party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
