I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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