Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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