I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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