This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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