I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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