mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
