yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
