between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
