there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
