i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
