I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
