i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
