if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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