just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
