If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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