allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
