I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
