I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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