I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
