my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
