Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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