I wish I could teleport
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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