I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
