I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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