This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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