If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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