he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
