Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
