if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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