when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
