Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
