I accidentally had phone sex last night
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
