Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
