Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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