I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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