All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
