Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
