He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
