You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
