i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
