i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
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