you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
