Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
