His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
