Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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