i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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