I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
