I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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