Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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